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Asparents, we want to be supportive of our kids, whether that means attending dance recitals, helping with challenging homework, or listening to them talk about Beyblades for any significant amount of time. Parental support of hobbies and interests means a lot to them.
But parental support on bigger issues—likeidentity,sexuality, and self-expression— isn’t just meaningful, it’scrucial. Recently,a small study found that LGBT+ individuals whose parents provided consistent supporthad less anxiety and depression than those who did not. (Interestingly, this was true whether the support was positiveornegative— the consistency was what mattered. But of course, the goal is to provide positive support!)
Creating a home where your kids know their parents will love, appreciate, and value them no matter what is extremely impactful. “Ninety percent of issues [LGBT+ people] bring into treatment are unresolvedfamily issues around identity,” says Tara Lombardo, LMHC, the executive director ofthe Institute for Human Identity,an NYC-based non-profit psychotherapy and training center dedicated to fostering personal growth free of traditional gender, sexual orientation, and cultural biases.
“Childhood is such a pivotal and critical time to do something proactive. You are at the ground floor of somebody’s personal development,” Lombardo says. So how can you lay a strong foundation to support your child on their journey? Read on for Lombardo’s tips.
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Communication Is Key
First, know that the game plan is the same whether or not you suspect your child may identify as LGBT+: You want to create an environment where your child will feel comfortable confiding in you aboutanything.
“The key is constantly providing a platform for connection and engagement,” says Lombardo. “What this means specifically is to say ‘Hey, I’m here if you want to talk.’ Of course the first few times— if not many times!— they are not going to talk. But it’s on repeat.I am here to talk to you.”
In order to practice it, think of it as several components: constant communication, genuine engagement and presence in each conversation, displaying empathy in your responses, and, lastly, accepting what your child says. Lombardo admits that this can be tough to practice, but the reward is immense: this formula is the cornerstone in someone thinking you are a safe person to open up to.
As this begins to happen, Lombardo suggests highlighting the vulnerability that it takes to share with a parent. “You can say ‘wow, I wasn’t expecting to hear that. I appreciate you sharing a part of yourself with me.'”
The way you react to these big conversations will stay with them for a long time, so starting your response this way gives you some time to make sure you are happy with how the conversation goes from there. No pressure!
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Research Your Own Beliefs About LGBT+ Identities
Support, in reality, is only half the equation. Communication and empathy is only meaningful if parents are doing active self-discovery regarding theirownpreconceptions about gender identity and sexual orientation, and the ways they were raised to think about those things.
“The biggest [obstacle] between the parent and the child is the parent’s individual experience,” says Lombardo. One issue that she hears a lot is parents who think their child is “too young” to have an established gender identity; she says these parents need to ask themselves exactly where that thought is coming from.
“If a male child was playing baseball, or a girl was taking ballet, you wouldn’t say ‘I’m not sure they know what their gender identity is’,” explains Lombardo. “If they’re doing the traditional stuff, it’s not called into question, but it is called into question if a child says they think they might be trans.”
If you recognize in yourself that you tend to view gender roles in this way, it is time to do some homework. Researchwhat gender identity is,what gender expression is, and how those things can differ from biological sex. “It’s a challenge! But the challenge gets projected onto the child, and not to the parent,” says Lombardo.
Learning is the best way to overcome that challenge. “The biggest tool you have is your own curiosity,” says Lombardo. For example, if you’re reading with your child and there is an animal character they assume is male, ask why. “Ask ‘what if that character was a girl? Would it change anything? Tell me more about that.’ You invite engagement, which really goes the longest way.”
On your own, reading, talking to other members of the LGBT+ community, communicating openly as a family, and going to therapy are all great ways to educate yourself about LGBT+ identities and foster a culture of support in your home.
Connect With The Community
Another scenario that comes up frequently: Parents who say they are supportive of LGBT+ people but don’t want to “force” their kids to learn about these communities when they are young.
Think of it this way, she says: “If you teach them what to do if there’s a fire in their school, you’re not saying ‘please set the school on fire.'” Knowledge is power, period.
Not to mention, being a true ally extends outside your own home. If your child has a friend who identifies as LGBT+, for example, reaching out to that child’s parent and simply saying “I want to create a safe space for your child, if you have any thoughts on how I can do that, please let me know,” can be really powerful, explains Lombardo.
If you’re not comfortable reaching out— either because you don’t know the parents well or because you sense the parents may not be receptive— there are more subtle signals you can send, likeintroducing yourself with your preferred pronouns, putting pride or other pro-LGBT+ signs in your yard, posting on social media, or attending community LGBT+ events.
“You’re flagging to a kid that you are somebody who has thought about this and isn’t just supportive of the LGBT+ community, but has analyzed the power structure we live in,” says Lombardo.
An important second part of this is making sure your allyship is not just “for show,” especially if you choose to share your support on social media. Make individual, empathetic, human connections with people— that’s the real work of allyship.
In the end, these practices won’t just make you a more supportive parent. They’ll make you a more compassionate, more empathetic person, all-around.
source: people.com
